Thursday, July 5, 2012

Wolves. Bears. Mountain Lions. Mrs. Bizzle. Which of These Doesn't Belong?

Summer is finally here, and this year the boys and I are going to the Bizzle family reunion in Glacier National Park, MT for our summer vacation.  While I couldn't be more stoked to spend time with family, meet some new Bizzles and relax in God's Country, I do have a few concerns after perusing Glacier's informative website*.
Namely:

1.)  WOLVES!  AND NOT THE CONVERSATIONAL "TWILIGHT" KIND, EITHER.




Several wolf packs occupy parts of Glacier National Park.  (Mind telling me which parts???)


2.)  GRIZZLY BEARS!  EVEN BETTER.




















The vast majority of bear attacks have occurred because people have surprised a bear.  In this type of situation the bear may attack as a defensive maneuver. (OK, that makes sense.  Don't surprise the bears, got it.)
In rare cases bears may attack at night or after stalking people.  This kind of attack is rare.  It can be very serious because it often means the bear is looking for food and preying upon you.  (wait. what???)
If you are attacked at night or if you feel you have been stalked and attacked as prey, try to escape.  if you cannot escape, or if the bear follows, use pepper spray, or shout and try to intimidate the bear with a branch or rock.  Do whatever it takes to let the bear know you are not easy prey.  (I might as well just give up now.)


3.)  MOUNTAIN LIONS!  BINGO.  TRIFECTA.  NOW IT'S A PARTY.







If you do encounter a lion, do not run.  (Riiight...)  Talk calmly, avert your gaze, stand tall, and back away.  (Is crapping yourself optional?)  Unlike with bears, if attack seems imminent, act aggressively.  Do not crouch and do not turn away.  Lions may be scared away by being struck with rocks or sticks, or by being kicked or hit.  Lions are primarily nocturnal, but they have attacked in broad daylight.  They rarely prey on humans, but such behavior occasionally does occur.  Children and small adults are particularly vulnerable.  Report all mountain lion encounters immediately!  (You mean if I SURVIVE?)

Look folks, I realize it isn't Disney World, and in spite of the risks of getting mauled or eaten by a bear, mountain lion, and/or wolf pack, I'm looking forward to a really great time and enjoying the breathtaking natural beauty of Glacier.  I really am.  I'll just be clutching pepper spray and banging pots and pans wherever I go.


In the immortal words of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, "If Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists."  Exactly.

3 comments:

  1. Have a pants crapping good time, little lady. STAY SAFE!

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  2. Why the asterisk after Glacier's "informative website?" I was eagerly anticipating a sarcastic footnote!

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  3. Good question, Mr. Snootles. I used the asterisk to alert readers that I would be quoting portions of the Glacier website, because apparently I'm too lazy to use quotation marks. A sarcastic footnote would have been much better.

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