Monday, September 17, 2012

How Does One Accessorize Mangled Eyelids?

Did you ever have one of those days when everything seemed to go a little too swimmingly?  So swimmingly, in fact, that you should have known catastrophe was imminent?  Yesterday was that day. Yesterday was the day that karma came collecting (or if you are a Kardashian, it was the day that karma kame kollecting).  Here's how it went down:

This coming weekend is my beloved cousin Joe's wedding.  This is a huge deal for my family and I want to look my best, so yesterday morning I set out to find a new dress and new shoes for the big day.  For many, dress shopping may not be a huge undertaking.  Heck, for some it may even be "enjoyable".  But for me it's nearly impossible to find a dress (among other garments) due to my measurements: WNBA Forward / Dolly Parton / Saddle Bags.  I'm not quite plus-sized, but I'm not average-sized either, so I guess I represent what you might call the "gray area" of the fashion industry.  Shoe shopping is equally tricky.  My shoe size? Sasquatch with a bunion.  But before I left the house yesterday, I made a solemn oath to myself not to return until I had the dress and shoes in my possession.

My first stop was TJ Maxx because I once found a dress there for a wedding and I was hopeful that I'd get lucky again.  To my utter glee, I walked over to the dress rack and within 2 minutes I'd  found four dresses to try on.  I tried on the first dress - which was my favorite - and it fit like it was made just for me.  It was perfect. I really didn't need to try on the other dresses, but I was riding a euphoric wave and didn't want it to stop.  Every single one of them fit!  This was unprecedented, and I can neither confirm nor deny that I spiked a clothes hanger and did a touchdown dance in the dressing room.  I quickly realized, however, that I needed to focus and check every nook and cranny of The Perfect Dress, because clearly something HAD to be wrong with it.  It couldn't be this easy...but it was.  Nothing was wrong with it.  No rips, no stains, no deodorant marks...nothing.  Perplexed, I went up to the counter, paid for the dress and headed out to find shoes.

Next stop, DSW.   More often than not, I've scanned the rows upon rows of shoes there and come up empty handed, BUT NOT THIS TIME.  I wasn't there for 5 minutes before I found The Perfect Shoes. Cute, comfortable, and they didn't make my feet look big.  Oh, and they were only 40 bucks.  I mean, are you kidding me???

I returned home with The Perfect Outfit and tried everything on again just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. To my surprise, it didn't burst into flames or disintegrate.  Next, I went downstairs to show Mr. B because I figured that he would either hate it or he would say, "Hey, did you notice that massive stain/tear/graffiti on the back of your dress?"  I can always tell when Mr. B doesn't like an outfit I'm wearing, because when I ask his opinion he'll give me the deer-in-the-headlights look and then try to make his way to the nearest exit.  But this time he just smiled and said, "Wow, I love it." 

I carefully hung up my new dress and placed the shoes on the highest shelf of my closet on the off-chance that my dog gets wind of the fact that there are new shoes in the house.  Next I decided that I needed a pedi and eyebrow wax, so I got to work (I'm a DIY kind of girl).  The pedi turned out perfectly, just like everything else had that day, so I moved on to the eyebrow wax AND THAT'S WHEN EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL.

I have been waxing my own eyebrows, incident-free, for at least 10 years so it's baffling to me that I could have mangled myself so badly.  I use pre-waxed strips, so I can only assume that I misjudged where the wax was located on the strip...TWICE.  I realized that I'd torn off the outer layer of skin just above the crease of my eyelids when I applied the "soothing azulene oil", which felt more "hellfire" than "soothing".  Immediately thereafter, my eyelids became swollen, angry and raw, and I began to look like an extra from Fight Club. 

Today the eyelids are still angry.  Furious, in fact.  I'm praying that they don't scab over and make me look like a leper at my cousin's wedding on Saturday, because Fight Club/leper lids will be REALLY hard to accessorize.


  1. The only thing that would make this post better is angry eyebrow photos. hahaha and also ouch.